If I Could Tell My Past Self One Thing About Divorce…

5 min read

It felt like I was suddenly in a movie.

Not the romantic comedy kind — the kind where the main character gets blindsided, the screen goes silent, and time slows to a crawl.

I remember just standing there, heart pounding, while the words settled into the air between us. “This is really happening.”

I didn’t cry right away. I didn’t scream.I just... froze.

Was I supposed to cut up all his clothes like the women do in the movies? Toss his stuff on the lawn? Smash something dramatic for effect?

I genuinely didn’t know how to react.There was no script for this scene. Just the sound of my own breath and the crashing realization that life — as I had known it — had just split wide open.

I was in shock. And underneath the numbness was a quiet, terrifying question I didn’t yet have the courage to ask out loud:

“Who am I now?”

If I could go back and sit beside that version of me — the one who was caught between disbelief and devastation — I wouldn’t throw clichés or false optimism at her. I wouldn’t tell her to "stay strong" or "focus on the positive."

I’d sit quietly for a moment. I’d take her hand. And then I’d say this:

“This isn’t the end. It’s a beginning disguised as a breakdown.”

Divorce feels like an unraveling — and in many ways, it is. It pulls apart the life you built stitch by stitch. But what I didn’t know then — what I wish I could whisper to that scared, strong, uncertain version of me — is that the unraveling was also an invitation.

An invitation to remember myself.An invitation to build something rooted in truth — not just tradition, not just obligation, but authenticity.

💬 Here’s what else I would tell her:

1. You’re not broken. You’re breaking open.

Divorce may feel like it shattered you, but it actually revealed the parts of you that had been buried for too long — under compromise, silence, or simply the rhythm of survival.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” - Rumi

"The Cracks Were Loud & Deep". Rhian Lindley

This is not the destruction of who you are. It’s the unveiling. The grief, the rage, the confusion — these are not signs of weakness. They’re signs of aliveness.

Let yourself feel all of it. Don’t rush to be okay for the comfort of others. You don’t owe anyone a polished version of your pain.

My POV:

• Healing isn’t linear — some days you’ll feel powerful, and the next, undone. That’s normal.

• Your emotions aren’t “too much.” They are evidence that you are still deeply in touch with your humanity.

• You’re not failing at healing. You’re just healing in real time.

2. Your intuition is not the enemy

There were moments, long before the final conversation, when something inside you whispered, “This isn’t it.”You doubted yourself. You minimized it. You told yourself to stay for the kids, or for stability, or because “maybe things will change.”

But that voice - that knowing - wasn’t trying to destroy your life. It was trying to bring you home to it.

“There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.” - Rumi

You didn’t walk away lightly. You walked away bravely.

POIs:

• Doubting yourself is part of change. But doubting doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

• Listening to your gut is a skill. Divorce teaches you how to refine it.

• You get to trust yourself now — not out of fear, but from alignment.

  
  

3. Your children, if you have them, will be okay — because you’re showing them courage

There’s so much fear around how divorce will affect the kids. And yes, it brings change. Yes, they will grieve too.

But what they need most is not a perfect, intact nuclear family.They need truth. They need safety. They need a parent who models self-respect, emotional intelligence, and the courage to change what isn’t working.

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” - Robert Fulghum

By choosing a different path, you are showing them that it’s never too late to choose peace over pretense.

POIs:

• Children don’t need perfection — they need presence.

• You are allowed to show emotion in front of them, as long as you also show recovery.

• Your strength will become part of their emotional toolkit.

  
  

4. You don’t need to have it all figured out

There’s this myth that once the papers are signed, you’re supposed to “get your life together” immediately. But real life doesn’t follow neat stages. It stumbles. It starts and stops.

It’s okay if your biggest accomplishment today is brushing your teeth and answering one email.It’s okay if your joy feels delayed. Or quiet. Or unfamiliar.

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

Clarity comes in motion, not in stillness. You don’t have to know your destination to begin.

POIs:

• Give yourself permission to just do “the next right thing.”

• Survival mode is still progress.

• Healing isn’t a to-do list — it’s a process of returning to yourself.

  
  

5. Love isn’t off the table. But self-love comes first now.

There’s a tendency to think you’ll never love again — or that no one will love this version of you: wiser, wearier, more complicated. But here’s the truth: love after divorce can be richer, deeper, and more soul-aligned.

But first, you have to fall back in love with yourself.

Not in a hashtag-selfcare kind of way. In a deep, tender, “I have my own back now” kind of way.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha

Because when you choose yourself first, any love that comes after will meet you where you’ve already arrived — not try to rescue you from where you’ve been.

POIs:

• You’re not “too damaged” — you’re experienced and emotionally seasoned.

• You deserve to be chosen by someone who doesn’t need you to shrink.

• The relationship that matters most now is the one you build with you.

  
  

🌱 Looking back, I now see this truth clearly:

Divorce didn’t end my life.It returned it to me.

It gave me back my voice, my agency, my boundaries. It gave me the blank page I didn’t know I needed. And while it came with grief and mess and nights where I questioned everything — it also came with freedom, rediscovery, and joy I never imagined.

If you’re in that place now — raw, unsure, navigating a thousand tiny unknowns — know this:

You are not behind. You are not failing.You are becoming.

And if your future self could reach back and whisper something to you right now, she’d say:“You’re doing so much better than you think.”

📝 Your Turn

What would you tell your past self about divorce?

Write it down. Let it be messy. Let it be honest.You might be surprised at how wise you’ve already become.

Drop a comment below, send it to someone who needs it, or keep it as a letter to yourself.

This is your story now — and you get to write it your way.